I Can’t vs. I Don’t

Jeff Haden shares in his famous book that one simple shift in language can alter our behavior immensely.

In a study about habits and goal setting, one group was given a simple temptation and told to say, in the face of that temptation, “I can’t do (that).” The other group was told to say, “I don’t do (that).”

The results showed that the participants told to say “I can’t” gave in to the temptation 61 percent of the time. And the participants told to say “I don’t” gave in to the temptation 36 percent of the time.

To take it even further, the same researchers did a follow up study with three different groups. Participants were told to set a personal long-term health and wellness goal. When their initial motivation flagged — as initial motivation inevitably does — the first was told to say, I can’t miss my workout”. The second group was told to say, “I don’t miss my workouts”. And the third (control) group, was not given any temptation-avoidance strategy.

Ten days later the researchers found:

• Three out of ten control group members stuck to their goal.

• One out of ten “I can’t” group members stuck to their goal.

• Eight out of ten “I don’t” group members stuck to their goal.

Not only was “I can’t” less effective than “I don’t”; “I can’t” was less effective than using no strategy at all.

The reason is because when we say “I can’t”, we give ourselves a way out. For example, “I can’t, but maybe this time, I can.” We start to give ourselves too much leniency.

In contrast, when we say “I don’t”, it comes from deep inside us. It’s part of our identity. It’s who we are.

Therefore, I think it would be wise for us to take inventory of our language and see for ourselves what words we’ve been using unconsciously.